My Nonsense

Driving too fast
Along the winding road
Beyond the reach of lights
Uncertainty lies wait

Diamonds litter the grass
Syrupy fragrance hangs heavy in the air
Squirrels scamper in morning's chill
Scratching of tiny claws on bark
Birdsong pierces otherwise peaceful haze
I look to the sky
Sun fighting it's way through strong clouds
Who will be the victor?

The flowers all around me bloom
Bright colors splattered like finger paints
The soft sun warms the morning dew
Glistening blades sparkle

This hollow feeling deep within
Darkness spreading outward from my heart
Loneliness chills the empty space
Passion turned apathy

Break through the cold damp night inside
Brighten the shadows left in his wake
Surround me with the breath of Spring
The shimmer of new life

Dancing eyes
Mischievous smile
Body tense
Ready to strike

Attack blocked
Advance halted
Arms locked in mortal combat

Tension thick
Twin hearts racing
Flooding warmth
Relaxation

Arms of fury
Playfully mine
In your arms I realize

Contentment

Quite possibly my favorite song that I learned in youth choir some ten or twelve years ago.

Muffled silence
Crystal screams
Look within and you shall see
Scalding hatred
Heavy pain
All grown up now, but still we play

My heart's just not in it right now. The thoughts are clouded, the words are blurred, even my feelings are shrouded from my sight. Another day.

Seems I've "decided" yet again, this time in the opposite direction. Live without regrets, right? I'll regret not taking the opportunity.

Spinning darkness
Mystic night
Falling freely
Sheer delight
Passion rising
Vision blurred
Wrong prevailing
Right obscured

Hypnotic stare, you'll take me there, though unaware of how I'll fare

Trembling
Fighting
Losing
...Learning

Clouds are clearing
Knowledge grows
Through loving, losing
Yourself you show

Btw, I really hate rhyming. Didn't intend for it to go that way but, one I started, I figured why not? Sounds so lame reading it over. But the thoughts and feelings are true. And powerful. At least to me.

It was a sign. A message from somewhere. She could finally get out of this place. The past due rent and probable eviction, the kid finally being able to sit in front of the TV without screaming while she got her next fix, the twenty five dollars that would buy her a one-way train ticket out of this hell hole. Forget the kid. Someone would find him eventually and take him in. Ugh, it would be such a relief to be rid of all this responsibility.
............
He watched her leave the broken down apartment complex early in the afternoon. Hell, he'd been watching the place for weeks. He knew she'd skip out eventually. Without the kid. Pretty little thing he was. Small and soft. Big eyes. Fragile. He could change the fragile part. Give him a few good meals and a nice bed to lay in. He'd have a toy again. He could feel himself begin to stir at the thought.
............
She walked into the train station and gave the cash to the clerk. The woman behind the counter gave her a wary look.
"What the hell you lookin' at, bitch?"
"Nothing ma'am. Here's your ticket. Enjoy the ride."
"Fuckin' people thinkin' they're better than me. What the hell do they know?" she muttered as she walked through the station to the platform.
As she waited on the platform, she took out her last cigarette. Gonna have to get more of these in New York, she thought. She bummed a light off of the guy standing next to her. Cute. A bit rough around the edges, but she liked that. Looked like he could kill if he had the drive to. She fluttered her eyelashes as he lit her cigarette. She could see the lust in his eyes as he looked down her purposefully unbuttoned blouse. Men are all the same, she thought to herself. Constantly thinking with their dicks.
"Thank you, sugar," she breathed as she wiggled down the platform, her stilettos clicking on the pavement with every trashy step.
When the train pulled up, she walked on and plopped down into the first seat she saw. This is it, she thought. Free at last.
...........
He looked around the living room. It was getting dark. Mom should be home soon. She always came home eventually. He was getting hungry. She left him half a bag of cheese puffs but he ate those hours ago. Where was she? The cartoons had ended too. She'll be home in the morning for sure, he thought. He closed his eyes and dozed off.
Morning came but his mother did not. Maybe she spend the night at that guy's house again. She always came back cranky from there. He shuddered at the thought as he looked down at the faded bruises from the last time she got angry. She had a temper, that's all. It was his fault anyway. He bumped into her glass and it fell on the hard linoleum, shattering into a million pieces. He deserved to be punished.
He waited all morning long, watching cartoons and trying not to be bothered by the ache in his stomach. Suddenly, he heard the ice cream truck bumbling down the road. Ice cream! He ran to the door and unlatched it. Sure mom had said to stay inside, but wouldn't she be so happy if he wasn't hungry when she came home? She wouldn't have to be bothered with feeding him. He could take care of himself now. After all, mom said he was a big boy. Big boys could feed themselves. He swung open the door and raced down the stairs and out into the street. He watched with glee as the ice cream truck approached.
..........
He didn't expect to see the kid outside this soon. Going after ice cream of all things. Perfect opportunity.

Senseless wakings
Dreamlike stirrings
Pulse quickens
Breath chokes
Muscles tensing
Blushes rising
Chills
Heat
Lost

Soft, hazy
Blurred by fog
Quietly crawling
Too weak to move forward
Collapses
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Panic all around me
Screaming, shouting
Frantic thoughts
Needless worry
Why can't you just relax?

I was once like this too
Sometimes I still am
How can I criticize you
When I still do the same silly thing?

I don't know why but for some reason the little snippets of thought say more than all the random babble I usually spill out. Maybe it's because snippets of thought don't require any work. They're just there. Now I remember what I used to do with myself. I used to write.

Spinning simplicity
Tumultuous complication
Though the silence wails
Through the stillness I walk on
Uninhibited
Searching
Alone always and never
Until myself I find

Beauty inside
Covered
Layers of guilt and fear
Tender seed
Protected
Break the shell
Trembling child
Take roots and grow

How do people do that best friend thing? I mean, I have friends and somewhat closer friends but I don't really have a best girl friend. Suck. Makes me wish people from Lauralton still chatted... they were good friends...

So I definitely forgot I even had LJ. Sorry peoples.

If you're really happy right now, don't read this. Save it for later. Seriously.

I hate Valentine's Day. I really do. I always have actually. It doesn't matter whether or not I'm in a relationship because it always ends up suckng. When I was in middle school I used to look forward to the day when I'd have a boyfriend to spend Valentine's with and do all that coupley stuff. Then when I finally got a boyfriend, it pretty much sucked. Last minute stops at teh gas station down the street instead of actual thought and kindness. It's not about the gifts. It's about the entire attitude. Whatever. Once that ended I stopped looking forward to this stupid day, and for good reason. Even now, when I am in an amzing relationship with an amazing guy, I end up crying. Everyone's all mushy and excited and I just can't wait for the day to end. Maybe once it's over I can be happy again. Until then I guess I have to just stay in my room and sulk. Oh, if only I had some Ben & Jerrys.

Thanks to a little help from Leesh I worked around the system to get my grades.

Woot!!!!!

EDU 307 A-
MAT 106 A+
HON 230 A
HON 270 A-
SED 335 A-
SPA 301 A

Hehe I'm so excited!!!!

but there's still something I have to say.

It really sucks when your friends from high school just disappear. It's as though every day they fade further away. They all make new friends and the old ones don't seem quite as fun or interesting anymore. Or maybe it's just me. None of my old friends talk to me anymore. I haven't really made any new friends that care to talk to me at all unless I'm right in their faces. And I just feel really alone. Sure, I have the most incredible boyfriend in the world and I couldn't be happier about that. But, I can't have my entire life revolve around one person who lives a bajillion miles away. I need social connections and friends here, people who want to talk to me, who want to be around me, who like me for who I am. But maybe I'm just not meant to have friends like that. Maybe I'm alone for a reason. And if that's true, I pray for the patience to wait it out and figure out why the hell I need to be alone.

Aside from all that, my grandparents just left after a two week stay and it's a huge relief. Both Christmas and New Year sucked in my opinion and it made me cranky. I;m looking for the light. I really am. And I'm really thankful that one person in my life shines for me.

I'm very stressed. Completely overloaded with work. And I miss hanging out with my lovelies. I've never pulled an all-nighter before but it looks like I may have to. I need a hug.